Ol' What's his name

I don't normally post things from my own personal life here on PnM (yes, it's been known to happen, but usually in a comical and/or inserted type of way), but since I decided that if I had heard about this from someone, I would definitely have posted about it, I figured, eh, what the hell? (Just call me the future Mrs. Kroeger) (on second thought, DON'T)

Yesterday was the funeral for my uncle (my dad's younger brother). I didn't know him that well, he wasn't around us much. Old school family dramas and the like. His name was James. My grandma called him Jamie. We called him Jim. Some called him Jimmy, and someone yelled out "Jed!" yesterday, so I guess they called him that, as well. The minister? He called him Jeremy. Twice.

James/Jamie/Jim/Jimmy/PossiblyJed/Jeremy had a pet snake. He called him John. I called him Ucky. The minister called him Harold/Howard.

I was not a key figure in the funeral, I just sat quietly in my corner, listening intently. For an hour and a half (I thought funerals were usually like...what....half hour? 20 minutes if nobody liked you?). The minister read the obituary. My name was said 5 times. Dramatically wrong. My insistence that he "move on, it's fine" went unnoticed. (It should be noted that about 15 minutes before this, we had a 2 minute conversation about how to pronounce my name) But I fared better than my brothers. Their names didn't get pronounced, right or otherwise. Grandma later stated that the minister "kept looking away from his cards and losing his place".

The moral of the story: please hold my funeral service at a home that has teleprompters. Thank you, and good night.

It's time for.....

Bizarre Youtube Videos with Bree!!!!

Welcome, welcome. Gather 'round, children. Today I have found something....well, it terrified me. In a weird adorable way.

So there's this cat video. I'll give you a couple minutes to watch it. Because that's like...how long it is.

Alright so let's get this party started. First thing...why are you using toy cats? When I googled "cats on parade", I wanted to see some live feline adorableness. Instead I got stuffed, Made-in-China, glass-eyed stop motion. All I can figure is that Bob and Trudi (The Shermans, if you like) have a house full of children's toys for some inexplicable reason. Anyone that actually had children to PLAY with these children's toys wouldn't have time to make this shitty video.

Second...the description promises cats "doing kitty cat stuff". When's the last time you saw a bunch of cats just marching back and forth with American flags? And like, scaring off a puppy because he wasn't "respecting them"? That's what I thought. Never.

My favorite part of the video comes at the end, after the "Credits" (why?), when you learn that Bob got a paper-cut while making this video. And that it really hurt. You know what? I'm GLAD your paper-cut hurt, Bob. I hope it hurt as much as my soul hurt after watching your fake cats do fake cat shit.

Things Bree Is Obsessed With

I loves me some interwebz. And a few months ago I came across this complete gem of a human being. She is fantastical, and says things that make me laugh on a fairly consistent basis. She is incredibly popular on my little interwebz, yet I am still going to use my incredibly UN-popular blog to support her!

So kindly go check out the lovely Jenna Marbles on the Youtubes.

She's pretty.

And has adorable dogs.

And she's smart.

And funny.

And really pretty.

Hashtag Girl Crush.

Beard-o of the Week

This weeks Beard-o is a PnM first! A Beard-o that doesn't actually have a beard!

It's Ke$ha! She looked absolutely GORGEOUS at the 2012 VMA's last week, and she loves beards. I figured, why not!

Good on ya, girl. You look fab, and not at all like a crazy glitter-coated hooker!

Beard-o of the Week

To atone for my sin (apparently this past weeks Beard-o is a repeat, shame shame), I present to you our NEW BotW....

This chick makes beards!! Out of....crafty shit!! I was just about to place an order when I came across her post that she had stopped selling/making beards. I am very saddened by this. Contemplating an attempt to get her to make me one anyway. Will keep you updated. Not sure why this now sounds like important telegram.

I can haz cute?

Bree has requested that I start posting stuff on here again. I do believe she needs a little pick me up so why not post some cuteness. I discovered this famous internet cat by some miracle only a few weeks ago. Her name is Lil Bub. She was born as the runt of an otherwise normal litter of kittens. She, however, is very different. Her legs are very short while her body is very long. She has no teeth and her lower jaw is very small which leaves her tongue sticking out all of the time. She has many extra toes as well. Sounds like some hideous freak of nature? Definitely not. Actually the total opposite. Feast your eyes upon these adorable pictures.

Oh yeah, did I mention how adorable her owner dude is?

From what her owner says she is a very happy cat and doesn't seem to realize that she is any different from other cats. He is now very active in the pet adoption community. Lil Bub also has a webstore where you can get an awesome shirt with the cute little face on it and the proceeds go to animal adoption.

D-bag of the Whenever

Alert! Alert! Alert! Quick, someone make that breaking news "de de de de de" sound!

Guess what's back! It's the D-bag of the Whenever feature!!!! (and the peasants rejoice)

Soooooo, are you wondering who are D-bag of the We-got-the-site-back-up-and-running is? Are you?????

It is none other than......

Kristen Stewart!

Anyone who would cheat on that dear little bunny is a D-bag. Actually, I'm gonna go ahead and name her the D-bag of the Decade. At least until someone worse comes along.

So you cling to that title, sweetheart! Enjoy it! Embrace it!

God knows, you deserve it.

Trollop.

Tart.

Floooooooozy.

Ok, I'm done now.

It's never been so easy!

Hey!

You!

Yeah, YOU! With your poor fingers singed! Were you trying to take your freshly made toast out of the toaster with your fingers again?

Does this happen to you every time you make toast?

Have you stopped eating toast, simply because you find it too difficult to remove the hot tasty treat from it's firey hell of a prison?

WELL LOOK NO FURTHER!!

It's TOAST TONGS!!!

Now you can free that unwieldy toast, everytime! No burnt fingers, no electrocution-by-knife-removal, just pick up your toast tongs, and voila! The toast is now OUT of the toaster!

(****sidenote**** who the fuck thinks this shit up?)

Gah!

And also this baby goat!!

Pleeeeeeeease!

Yesssss

I'm having a craptastic sort of day, so I would like this to come and play with me today.

So. Much. Squee.

I'M HOUDINI!!!

So I just found this little gem of a clip doing one of my faaaavorite activi-tays: searching "how to" on the Youtube.

Check this bad mama-jama out.

It seems to me that anyone with EYES would see you doing all of this. If one of my friends said to me: "Hey, would you like to see me escape from a pair of handcuffs?", I would surely exclaim "HECK YES!" in a fit of pure joy. But if they did so like THAT dude, in such obvious fashion, I would not be able to disguise my unimpressedivity. The man CLEARLY states that he thinks he is Houdini (****disclaimer**** PnM does not stand by this statement, as the man quite clearly states that he is going to show the viewer how to escape just LIKE Houdini did, but as Bree is a crazy bitch and captain of the Let's Take Shit Literal squad, well, you get what you get).

Someone find me a clip of Houdini escaping from some handcuffs. Oh, why thank you, Interwebz. Please be aware that a good third of this video is simply Senor Houdini removing his clothing to some dramatic piano music, but AFTER that, he escapes from his handcuffs! Oooooh! Aaaaah! While I would generally think that a nice small distraction from the fact that you are bending a bobby pin and jamming into a tiny hole while looking like you're having a seizure would do the trick, the Houd'ster chooses to jump into a river. A bit of overkill, but all in all....meh, I'll take it. Let's revist my friend scenario from earlier.........

Friend: "Say, would you like to see me escape from a pair of handcuffs while JUMPING OFF A BRIDGE?!?!"
Me: "HECK YES!", in a fit of pure joy.
Friend dives into the water, comes up splishing and splashing like a mofo.

Me: "You are so amazing"

Beard-o of the Week!

Now that we are back up and a-runnin', it's time for the latest installment of everyone's favorite....

BEARD-O OF THE WEEK!!!! Huzzah!!!!

This weeks Beard-o is brought to us by...well, by the same thing that brings just about every Beard-o our way, GOOGLE! According to our sources (whom we have just outed as being GOOGLE!!!!), this Beard-o comes to us in mugshot form. And it is a deeeeelight. A real hum-dinger. A bearded hole-in-.....half?

Enjoy!!

Bizarre Youtube Videos with Bree

I've decided to start a new section on PnM, because...that's what I do.

So, ladies and gentlemen (who are we kidding, we all know Rin is the only person who reads our blog), we present to you....

Bizarre Youtube Videos with Bree! In this section, your beloved (*ahem*) hostess will bring to your attention a terrifying delightful Youtube confection, and attempt to explain and/or understand it for/with you.

First up: THIS monstrosity of a puddle of crazy.

Everybody good and "what the fuck"ed out? Good. Let's get started.

Ok, first things first....WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO LOOK LIKE A UNICORN?! I mean, I love unicorns as much as the next freak, but I don't wander around thinking "how can I turn myself into a unicorn?!" at every moment of my day.

Second, is this girl Japanese? Cause I'm pretty sure she's faking it. I'm getting SERIOUS J-Pop America Funtime Now vibes off of this chick. (My apologies for the craptastic quality of the video in that link)

Nextnextnextnext, has anyone, in the history of people, ever met a person with that small of a face and that GINORMOUS of a set of eyeballs? And while we're on the subject of eyeballs, where does one buy My Little Pony contact lenses? Those seem like the sort of thing you'd have to go online to purchase, and I would imagine if you're able to purchase something online, enough people must be buying them for there to be a website devoted to selling them, WHICH MEANS.....there are more people out there trying to look like this.

Finally, does anyone else find this slightly racist? A little bit? A tad? And if so, do you find this more or less racist than someone wanting to dress up their friends half-asian 3 year old as a Wonton for Halloween?

WHY is this ok????

Unless you've been living under a ROCK for the past month, you know who that is. If you've been living under a rock for the past month, that is Honey Boo Boo. IDKWTF her real name is. Maybe she doesn't have one, I don't know. All I DO know is that this child terrifies me to my very core. Mostly because THAT child, is also THIS child:

I'll give you a moment to collect yourselves.

The whole Toddler Beauty Pageant craze freaks me out. But none of the contestants more-so than this....pretty little.....girl....I can't. I just can't. Stop doing this to your child. Actually, Honey Boo Boo's "Parents", just stop in general.

THAT'S RIGHT BITCHES!!

We're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Aren't you just the luckiest duckies of them all? Don't answer that.

I almost wish I had a list of the effed up SHIT that has gone on since our last post, but I think I'd be drowning in paper. And as amusing of an image as that would BE, I'll pass. Thanks.

So hold on to your assicles. The gals at PnM are back in full effect. Just like a poorly thought out 90's boy band. Ill. Dope. With wicked awesome haircuts.